Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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