Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
