so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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