omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
