I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
The chlamydia really affected his face.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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