hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Randomize
