All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
What a dumb baby whore.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
