I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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