i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
