Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
