Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
