He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
