at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
