Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
