I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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