Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
