Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
