Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
