why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
