Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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