dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
