Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
