dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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