Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I feel like abortions should bother me more
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
