Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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