Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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