We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
