im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
