Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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