I am spending my child support on dildos
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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