I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
