Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
i came on her dog
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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