He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
