Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
