I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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