I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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