its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
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