We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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