I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
