Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
