I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Randomize
