the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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