i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
