I want to walk on stilts...naked
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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