a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
