mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
