I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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