I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
