If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Randomize
