I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
