Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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